Years ago, I was at my in-laws’ lake house and asked my MIL for a bucket. She brings me to the shed, and as she is pulling two metal buckets from the top shelf, she asks what I am going to put in the bucket. I must have looked at her with an odd expression because she separated the two metal buckets so that I could see that one had “THIS BUCKET HAS A HOLE IN IT” written on it with a Sharpie marker. I chuckled when I saw it. She said, “You laugh but I kept this bucket because it is still very useful for collecting rocks and other large objects — just no sand or liquid”.
Our interaction and the bucket has stayed with me for 20+ years. At first I found it so funny!
Now that I am older, I see that bucket with the hole in it as a metaphor for me and many women my age. At one time, we defined ourselves by our dreams and the ability to be and do anything we wanted. We were youthful, could create life, and had so many options and directions to choose from that we were filled with both hope and anxiety. I may not be able to do everything I could when I was younger, but just like the bucket, I am still useful. Sometimes I feel like my age is the Sharpie marker announcing my abilities to anyone that can see. But unlike that bucket I possess wisdom gained from living life, making mistakes, listening to and absorbing from those that came before me.
As an empty nester, I have started writing again. Typing out my thoughts has helped me as I prepare for my third act. What is the third act you ask?
If your bucket doesn’t have a hole in it yet (ha!), you are in your 20s or 30s — much of your future is a plan. You have hopes, dreams and lots of anxiety about fulfilling them. Will I meet someone? Will I have a family of my own? Will my job be a career? Will my career make me happy or wealthy, both or neither? How will I define myself outside of my family? It is an exciting time! My guess is that no one in this exciting time is sitting around thinking…what will it be like when my children are adults? What do I want to achieve in my 60s, 70s and 80s?
My guess is that no one in this exciting time is sitting around thinking…what do I want to achieve in my 60s, 70s or 80s?
Everyone in their 2nd act of life (30s, 40s and 50s) is just plain exhausted — raising kids, working, housework, yardwork, enjoying the kids, enjoying parents, taking care of parents, working to pay for everything, making sure to have fun and living in the present. It is like being on a non-stop Merry-Go-Round for decades. It’s difficult, fulfilling, scary, fun, sad, happy — it is life at its fullest and best.
Then one day the Merry-Go-Round seems to just stop or you are just thrown off of it. All of the kids are adults, no one goes to school or lives in your home anymore. You are no longer needed to drive them anywhere, their friends are not in and out of your house at all times like it is a revolving door, you are no longer responsible for them or in control of them. The kitchen is clean and quiet, the laundry is a weekly few loads. You work, but it is no longer a dream but rather part of what you do for now. Somehow through the chaos of life you ended up doing this to make money and keep everything afloat. Not necessarily a dream. This is where I currently sit.
There is a beauty to it though, especially if you are a woman, a mom. For the first time in FOREVER life is all about you again. At first you have no idea what to do with all of your time or how to act. I’m finally at a point where I am truly enjoying my extra time but it took some time and some work to get here.
I am a dedicated listener of Julia Louis-Dreyfus’ podcast, “Wiser Than Me”. Her first guest was Jane Fonda. Fonda, in her late 80s, explained that life is comprised of three acts — Act 1: ages 0-30, Act 2: ages 30-60 and then act 3: 60-90. She explains that the only act anyone will remember you by is your third, therefore it is the most important. To get the most out of the third act, you must prepare.
This woke me up! Gave me purpose and dreams again like when I was in my 20s and 30s. I’m a planner, so once my kids were raised, I thought my big planning days were in the past. Fonda gave me new reasons to plan — I was so excited!
How do you plan for the third act? You plan by preparing yourself to be your best self – both mentally and physically:
- Forgive yourself (big deal and takes time, be kind)
- Forgive others (can’t carry that negativity with you to the third act)
- Apologize where it is needed
- Decide who receives your time and investment (most difficult for me so I worked with a counselor to figure out)
- State your intentions and what you want & need to others that are important to you
- Develop an exercise plan
- Eat healthier and drink less alcohol
- Go to all of the doctors and get an understanding of your health
- Read Outlive
- Read Breakfast with Seneca
- And then finally — figure out your personal goals to accomplish in Act 3. These are goals that are just for you!
Fun fact: one of my goals is to write more. I have a few things in the works. Hopefully my writings will make you laugh, sometimes be relatable or offer some knowledge gained through my stumbling through life.
By the way….my kids were collecting rocks on the beach so I chose the Bucket With The Hole In It.
Growing Up 80s 
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